Smile
tho'
your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

Watching that video, at Michael Jackson's memorial service on the 6th of July, I realised that I am still grieving.

Today is the 2nd anniversary of the worst day of my life, the day my beloved nan died.

<a href=http://mrsrgrr.buzznet.com/user/journal/2945961/open-letter-heaven/ target="_blank">She was my inspiration and my hero.</a>

In these two years things have got easier, I find myself getting upset less and less frequently.

And yet, as I found watching Michael Jackson's memorial service and have previously found whilst doing other things, I cry my eyes out, grieving instead on behalf of the relatives of the deceased. It's a perculiar sensation, and I find myself doing it at everything. Grieving for me, and for others.

I can't listen to "Over the Rainbow". I'm devastated when TV characters die. I can't go past a funeral procession without filling up.

I miss her so much, and I feel that my memory is letting me down. Those neurons are destroying all I have left of her. And I currently have a lump in my throat I can barely breathe through.

<3 you Nan, rest in peace, wherever you are, I know you're watching.

<3

The other day, I killed my Facebook.

Then my buzznet.

And felt like murdering my iTunes after it wipde all my music.

Not a good day.

Last week was my work experience, which was an experience and a half. I saw so much of the hospital, such a wide spectrum of everything that goes on there and still didn't scratch the surface. I saw operations, pretending I was JD off've Scrubs in my very own...uh scrubs, lol. I have a photograph of someone's vocal cords sat right here in front of me, and an example of a normal ECG from the guy in the cardiology department. I learnt how to take pulses correctly, how to read the obs of a patient and met this lovely old lady I wanted to just hug and take home.

Saturday was one of my best friend's birthday, and he had a house party with some close friends and his family. So good, I got to wear my favourite new top and got a little tipsy. Anthony and his chardonnay. Going on the trampoline, I received many an injury, including a knee to the face which I definately remember, and an odd three pointed bruise on my foot which I don't remember.

 
Ew.

I am not the most confident person ever. In fact, I probably have the lowest self esteem of all the people I know. When I was younger I was an extrovert child, but now I have reversed it and am introvert. I often find myself thinking if someone is talking to me just to wind me up, as a joke, or whether they are actually interested in talking to me. I have been trying to alter that, but it's a pretty major part of who I am and it's proving difficult. I have a job now (I found out today and only do my induction next Wednesday, I have waited so long for this, I am so excited) and hope that will help. Who knows?

So, I got my results today, I did just as I'd expected, with Bs in Cemistry, Biology and Maths, and As in English Lang and Lit, Maths again and General RE. I'm going to have to resit some aspects in order to bump up the grades, but it's nothing more than I had anticipated.

Yayza. Talk to me.

<3

Loves it.

Been busy in the latter half of this week. The kitchen is beginning to shape up, most of the units are in, ditto the sink and oven as of Saturday. On Thursday, I had to go to the infirmary and have a 24 hr heart monitor fitted, to see if there's any abnormalities with my old ticker, owing to the collapsing episodes I have. Friday, I returned to have it removed. The woman ripped the stickers off and set me free to go. I love it when strangers talk to you in the street, for no reason than to be nice. But it always strikes people as odd, including me. No one does it. I then walked to my best friend's houses (my bff and her bf, who is also a good friend, live practically next door to each other), to give Becky her birthday present and to generally hang out. We had so much fun, looking at the magazines she got from her trip to America, which basically contained the Disney stars and Twilight actors. We goofed around, ate pizzas, bounced on the trampoline like we were 12 years old and made a mad, but hilarious video, after much persuading. I got a bit hyper.

Saturday I did my duty at the hospice. It's something I've done for months now, volunteering at the local hospice, caring for terminally ill cancer patients. It is quite possibly the most rewarding thing I have ever done, especially last night. Despite the time I have done it, it amazes me how such comparatively little things, getting drinks, being a friendly face and just generally being someone to talk to, can help people. And help yourself.

I honestly reccomend it, if you can.

I just made crème brûlée, and they failed. Still nice like, but not set. Ah well.

I've started to read the Harry Potter series again. I'm on the second already, I'd forgotten how good they were, and I just got lost in them again. It takes me back.

Next week, I start a work experience placement shadowing an anaesthetist at a hospital in my area. I am so excited and yet terrified at the same time, but I guess it'll be good to get some experience. It's needed in order to apply for Medicine at University, and I only got it a couple of weeks ago, and had been panicking about not having any before I got it. I'm going to have to have an extra early start on Tuesday, both my parents are working and so I have to get myself there on the old bus. Or three buses. I catch my first at 7:30 and start work at 9. Fun times.

Lol, "that" plunge pool.

Yes, he is wearing make up. Yes, she does have chocloate all over her face.

I need to go scrub down, dry my hair and get myself generally sorted for tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I shall leave you with a picture of a fly that I found with two legs missing. Didn't stop it though, it took me bloody forever to get a picture of it.

<3 Bob.

Now I've taken to doing some crazy ass seated dancing to some of my favourite new music, and generally prancing around the house. Not that you can blame me, they be some bad ass songs:

Little Boots - Remedy

Simian Mobile Disco - Audacity of Huge

Bloc Party - One More Chance

Mr Hudson - Supernova

PitBull - I Know You Want Me. (Must be sang in a ridiculous voice)

I suggest you check if you haven't already.

So, our house is topsy turvy, what with my dad doing up the kitchen, the contents of our old kitchen are arranged between the living room (I'm sat next to the microwave), stairs (I try my best not to, but every time I fall over those damn vases) and my sister's bedroom (she has the, as yet, unconstructed new kitchen in there, even the kitchen sink).

I don't feel too well right now, I have wierd chest/stomach pains, possibly attributed to my bad posture and all the bad food I've eaten recently.

Pretty much spent today fed up, feeling sorry for myself, getting no replies from my texts, reading the Twilight saga. I'm glad someone knows how to cheer me up with dumb conversations about absolutely nothing, but having a good laugh all the same. It actually surprises me as to how much I look forward to it.

Yes, I've read them all. I got addicted to the first book, and got intrigued by the story. They're not particularly complex, but an easy read all the same.

I also got to wondering: how old do you have to be/how many cats do you have to have in order to be considered a crazy, lonely cat woman?

Since I'm 17, have a grand total of zero cats but qualify in the crazy part if I am lonely (today pretty much proved how much I needed someone...anyone), I'd say I'm a little ways off the mark.

Possibly going to the cinema with my mum and sister tomorrow. Looking forward to that, there've been so many films recently that I've wanted to see but not quite got round to. Orange Wednesday's ftw.

Let me know some of your favourite songs, current or what have you. I tire of everything so easily.

ROBZ <3 (silly caps)

PS, I figured out where the "It never rains, but it pours" quote comes from (ref few blogs back). It's a line sang by Freddie Mercury in the song Under Pressure with David Bowie.

Love a bitta Bowie/Queen.

Today, a boy from my high school, who I spent 5 years in the same area for 5 days a week, has died.

I barely spoke to him, different groups and all that, but that doesn't stop the shock. The disbelief.

17 years old. Just a boy. I can't imagine the pain and anguish he suffered during his last days, and his family now that he has passed on.

So young. Such a waste.

Oh my God.

Rest in peace Jack Rigby. <3

I've finally finished school for the summer, the last week of term having been spent on the Biolgoy trip in the lovely Lake District with a bunch of people I rarely talk to, yet getting along swell and having all the better time because of it. It wasn't the best of weather, but again, that only made it better when spending time doing biological stuff.

Walking through giant sand dunes, nettles and bramble in flip flops wasn't exactly my idea of the greatest starts to the week, but pretty much set the tone. Sucking sweets you are meant to chew for long periods of time in the name of friendly competition/amusement. Being put in a room with an old friend and ending up having five in a three bed room. Balancing dessert spoons on our noses around the table. Getting soaked in streams instead of looking for insects. Going for a dip, fully clothed in a freezing plunge pool in cold weather up a mountain whilst wearing a white t-shirt and black bra and having this fact pointed out. Having to walk back up the mountain because your glasses have been left up the top of said mountain, only having realised when halfway down. Getting welly rash from wet wellies rubbing you as you half run/walk up the mountain to retrieve said glasses. Discovering one of the beds in your room is a disabled bed and can be made to be 5 feet off the ground. Not joining in rounders games, staying instead in your room with the old friend, close guy friend and half guy friend, laying on beds, talking and goofing around, making PJs and laughing. Having people join the party. Running around, climbing trees at midnight. Dabbing spiders with tip-ex. Going swimming, jumping off a jetty into a lake. Three way showers. Sitting in the rain, digging up squares of dirt and looking through it for insects/worms/spiders/maggots etc with a couple of friends. Playing with hula hoops and more spoon-nose balancing. Doing Irish dancing for the talent competition. Sitting around the campfire drinking beer. Eating burgers and marshmallows. Being accused of being drunk by people who are drunk. Being awarded the award for "Wearing the most inappropriate shoes". Laughing at all the other awards. Listening to my favourite teacher, who's leaving, sing naughty campfire songs late at night. Making a raft and failing. Coming home. One of the best trips ever.

The mess (it got worse, believe me)

The view out of the window by my bed.

The disabled bed as high as it went (me with three of the other four that stayed in our room)

The view out of the common room directly above our room. (The rounders game we didn't join)

 Lol, Chris.

 Chris during our tree climb.

 Spoononnosebalancingwhilsthulahooping.

 Me by the lake at the BBQ.

Teh campfire building.

Myself, Hayley and Rachael, doing the "face" of the trip.

The guys around teh campfire.

 The Sunday after we came back, I went to Spain. The weather was amazing. I got a cold after messing around in the sea. I got sunburnt. We went to Gibraltar. It was fun, but not that much to report tbh.

I'm loving the idea that Manchester is getting twinned with Los Angeles. I can't think of why this would happen. I can't imagine many people in Los Angeles have been to Manchester, and whatever the similarities they have is beyond me. North West Tonight are having a field day about it though, as though it's the best thing to ever happen to Manchester.

Oh my, and I love, love, love New Perspective. So catchy. So yummy. Changes, however, I'm not so sure. It's good music, I'm sure, but it's not something I'd want on my iPod. Besides, I am not so much of a fan of Ryan's voice, never have been. It's not a strong voice that can carry the lead vocals, and it kinda grates on me.

I don't particularly know why exactly I blog, no one reads it. But I like having something to look back on. My memory fails me. I also like reading other peoples blogs, hint hint etc. :D

Love <3

Return to the dance stuff?

I'm liking the idea. But what about the lyrics...

A bigger blog tomorrow, at the moment I really need to pee (shall be explained tomorrow).

<3 Bobby Pin

First I get this:

Ag, that's not clear....

And then I see this:

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=6534560&blogId=498769743

I'm not best pleased, I tells you. Not at all.

Anyway, in other news, college was no where near as awkward as I had been expecting. I wouldn't say it was fun. Not back to the way it was at the beginning of the year before all these stresses. But not as tense as these past few days. I also went for a run with my pops this afternoon. I say run, I was shamefully slow in comparison to my forty odd year old dad. All in the name of health, I tortured myself all the same. Perhaps I'm more of a netball girl. A quick sprint'd do me. Yoga at a push. Even ultimate frisbee. Just running. Nah. The raspy throat says it all.

Mmmm, raspberries.

Can't wait to play ultimate frisbee on the beach on the biology trip next week. Should be so much fun. Speaking of which, I got told today that there would be a talent competition on Thursday night of the trip, with entry into the comp being compulsary to all trip attendees. What is my talent? Help? I was thinking of trying this guys talent:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXh7y5dcWSA

(It's five minutes long, but watch it and tell me what you think)

I mean what else can I do?

<3 Bobby.

PS, as I was running/recovering/nearly dying, I came across more slugs than I care to think about. It got me wondering...how do slugs reproduce? Like what? Do they split in two?Pregnancy? Asexual? Sexual? Bisexual? Transexual?

What the hell am I talking about?

PPS, books. Reccomend any? I've exhausted our house's supply and need some more. I eat them like I don't know what during the summer.

Cheers.

In fact, I can't be particularly bothered about thinking full stop. I have a huge pile of back logged work just going undone because I can't think of how I could possibly do it. My brain has gone into summer mode, and I believe it isn't coming back 'till early September.

I've had a shite week or so, which  reached a climax in me crying in school on Thursday. I'm tired of pussy footing around, of watching what I say in case it could possibly be misconstrued into something negative and used against me, just as it has in the past. I want to be able to feel comfortable talking to people without the fear of someone talking behind my back. I just want to be able to be free.

This weekend has been better, I've sorted things out with someone, we know where we stand, and I know that we can continue as we were without caring of what other people thought, because now we are fully aware of how the other feels. I suppose something good does come from the feeling of being backstabbed/double crossed.

Today, my mother and I went shopping together. Alone. Something we rarely do. We're both finally ready for summer, our wardrobes kinda full to the brim, but all the same.

I got my '09 summer dress, and a gorgeous, if slightly garish, skirt. Can't wait to get out and about. Hoepfully it'll  be sunny.

I thought this was pure genius!

Last night, my mum, dad and I were having a discussion about tattoos. My dad regrets his, two smallish ones on his forearms he did himself when he was 14, and my mum said she wanted one when she was younger but my nan wouldn't let her. I kinda want one, perhaps a swallow on my wrist, but then again, it'd be improfessional. And my dad probably wouldn't speak to me for a while.

What do you think, tattoos? Yay or nay?

<3

Also, I just want to know, what's the film with Sandra Bullock in? It's a christmas film, where she saves this guy from some sort of train and he's in a coma so she stays with him at the hospital and his family show up, assume she's his fiance and take her into the family. Then she falls in love with his brother. Halp? I love that film and it's bugging me.

So, all that's left is to chillax, kick back, and pretty much ignore any work school sets for the next few weeks, until I can shake it off for the summer.

Yesterday, I went to Manchester University for an open day, where I spent the time between 10.30am when my mum and I arrived, through 3pm, using every bit of my being trying not to smack all the posh Southern kids who complained about how "cold it was up north" and panicking about just how many kids were going to apply for medicine and how hard it is going to be.

People my age look so much older than me.

Recently went to see Cobra Starship. I say recently, but it was on May 22nd.

Since we're on the subject, why does:

Remind me of:

So much?

Amazing website: http://www.tvseriescubees.com/scrubs.htm

 Also, I never gave the answer to my "Spot me" picture off've 1997.

Get it right?

I've decided I'm making a comeback, and perhaps start another "Upload a day" athon.

Love <3